A big THANK-YOU to Daniel Mark for critiquing my query on the blog <http://thenightstanddebuts.blogspot.com>.  I am one step closer to being published. I am still in the rewriting stage and will be for quite some time.  It has been a lot more brutal than I originally realized. The publishing industry is a lot more complex than what a lot of people realize. One day when I get time, I plan on writing an entire blog dedicated to my research efforts.

FINISHED

I finished my novel November 10, 2011!

Writing, editing, rewriting and preparing queries to send out to agents.

Struggling

I am so freaking close with being done with my novel its killing me. I have the ending to it, I just have the connecting scene to the ending. It has been so rough that I've already began writing my second one. Guess I know what I am doing all weekend.

Map

1. London, UK
2. Inverness, UK
3. Charlotte, NC, USA
4. Chicago, IL, USA

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I officially have written a Novel

I have reached 80k words in my story!!!  Yayyy!  Now to finish it.

75,000

I officially have 75k words of my story!  I am almost done with it! Hopefully I'll be done with the first chapter by the end of the week!  Eeek!

Almost done with my novel!

I only have a few more chapters to write of my first rough draft!  I can't believe its almost done.

Halfway there!

I've officially made it half way through of writing my novel.   :D happy face. about 40,000-75,000 more words to go!

I've been writing all day today.  Plan to keep going.  My goal is to get this done by the beginning of September.  We will see. :D

I had a dream of you last night.  I dreamt that your sister was getting remarried and that I was a bridesmaid, and because of that, you refused to be apart of it or come at all.  I then told your sister I wouldn't go to the reception, so you could enjoy yourself with your family, because I wanted you to be happy.  Plus, it was your right to be there not mine.  Then I was looking at it from a distance and saw you there happy there without me. Then I cried to my dad.

Writing again.  Creativity is flowing in my veins.

The days I don't write on here, those days are easier days.  I don't think about it so much.  When I have to write on here, its because the pain comes back fully charged making it hard to breathe.  It is getting easier to live without him.  But the pain will always be there. I am never going to get over it.  I'm never going to be with anyone else, date, get married or have kids. This isn't a "pity me" statement, that is an actual choice I made.  I don't want any of those things anymore.








...Not without him

Nothing is going to change,
I scream silent screams.

Sleep-deprived, I'm left deranged

I'm living a haunted dream.

No one can see the pain I'm left with,

It undoes my total substance.

Nothing more than aura of a myth.

Its deteriorates my entire existence.

Writhe and wriggle in hostile.

I shoot up, unmistakably awake.

I wear a condescending smile,

that I will forever have to fake.

He did it!  He passed the Praxis II.  I am so happy for him.  I can't even tell him how proud I am of him and how I always had faith in him.  He can do anything.  I want nothing but good things for him.  If anyone deserves it, its him.


I've been ripped open again.  I can I be so happy and hurt this badly?

Haha, the story of us looks like a tragedy now. It was a contest who could be the catalyst. I liked it when you were on my side. Oh well.

Loving the weather.  I have been in a good mood all week.  Liking the change.

Dammit!  Why isn't time healing anything?!  I don't even know if it is making it more bearable or not.  I can't eat or sleep. WTF.  God I miss him...  I need the strength to move on.  What did I do?

A year ago today...

A year ago today, I left for Europe.  It was the best trip and the most amazing experience of my life.  I had spent it with the person that I thought was the love of my life.   It is a memory I will never forget and will always treasure.


Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I wish the nightmares would go away and I could replaying how things ended every night.   Ugh... I don't know which is worse.  The insomnia or the bad dreams that I do have when I do sleep.

I cannot sleep again because the memory of you haunts me.  I have an every day battle and it undoes me.  I take one day at a time.

When I used to cry, it used to be because he wasn't there anymore.  When I cry now, its because he's never coming back.

my heart will never be the same...

Have you ever laid in bed an contemplated how your life would have been or should have been, instead of how it was?  I used to be thankful for every broken road.  Each regret I have had, it made me into the person I was.  But I live with mistakes now.  They aren't ones that effect anyone other than myself in a negative way.  Except for maybe the one I lost.  If I could relive those past few months... Would I?  Should I?  I know that  he is better off without me.  He was meant for so much more to this world than what I could him and I tried so hard to give him everything.   I should have let him go before it ended badly and how we will always remember each other the last time I saw him is now tainted.  That is the fault I will live with for the rest of my life.  If I could do it over, I would.  Though, I don't know how.  I feel like it was inevitable. Because when he thinks of me, I want him to smile.  Like I always will when I think of him.  Where ever he is and where ever life takes him, I hope he is nothing but happy.