Halfway there!

I've officially made it half way through of writing my novel.   :D happy face. about 40,000-75,000 more words to go!

I've been writing all day today.  Plan to keep going.  My goal is to get this done by the beginning of September.  We will see. :D

I had a dream of you last night.  I dreamt that your sister was getting remarried and that I was a bridesmaid, and because of that, you refused to be apart of it or come at all.  I then told your sister I wouldn't go to the reception, so you could enjoy yourself with your family, because I wanted you to be happy.  Plus, it was your right to be there not mine.  Then I was looking at it from a distance and saw you there happy there without me. Then I cried to my dad.

Writing again.  Creativity is flowing in my veins.

The days I don't write on here, those days are easier days.  I don't think about it so much.  When I have to write on here, its because the pain comes back fully charged making it hard to breathe.  It is getting easier to live without him.  But the pain will always be there. I am never going to get over it.  I'm never going to be with anyone else, date, get married or have kids. This isn't a "pity me" statement, that is an actual choice I made.  I don't want any of those things anymore.








...Not without him

Nothing is going to change,
I scream silent screams.

Sleep-deprived, I'm left deranged

I'm living a haunted dream.

No one can see the pain I'm left with,

It undoes my total substance.

Nothing more than aura of a myth.

Its deteriorates my entire existence.

Writhe and wriggle in hostile.

I shoot up, unmistakably awake.

I wear a condescending smile,

that I will forever have to fake.

He did it!  He passed the Praxis II.  I am so happy for him.  I can't even tell him how proud I am of him and how I always had faith in him.  He can do anything.  I want nothing but good things for him.  If anyone deserves it, its him.


I've been ripped open again.  I can I be so happy and hurt this badly?