The days I don't write on here, those days are easier days.  I don't think about it so much.  When I have to write on here, its because the pain comes back fully charged making it hard to breathe.  It is getting easier to live without him.  But the pain will always be there. I am never going to get over it.  I'm never going to be with anyone else, date, get married or have kids. This isn't a "pity me" statement, that is an actual choice I made.  I don't want any of those things anymore.








...Not without him

Nothing is going to change,
I scream silent screams.

Sleep-deprived, I'm left deranged

I'm living a haunted dream.

No one can see the pain I'm left with,

It undoes my total substance.

Nothing more than aura of a myth.

Its deteriorates my entire existence.

Writhe and wriggle in hostile.

I shoot up, unmistakably awake.

I wear a condescending smile,

that I will forever have to fake.

He did it!  He passed the Praxis II.  I am so happy for him.  I can't even tell him how proud I am of him and how I always had faith in him.  He can do anything.  I want nothing but good things for him.  If anyone deserves it, its him.


I've been ripped open again.  I can I be so happy and hurt this badly?

Haha, the story of us looks like a tragedy now. It was a contest who could be the catalyst. I liked it when you were on my side. Oh well.

Loving the weather.  I have been in a good mood all week.  Liking the change.

Dammit!  Why isn't time healing anything?!  I don't even know if it is making it more bearable or not.  I can't eat or sleep. WTF.  God I miss him...  I need the strength to move on.  What did I do?